Grandparents know best .... apparently
Yes I know I said my next one was going to be on children aged 1 and what to expect but honestly, this is something that is grating on me a lot, and has been since I was pregnant and even now that my son is 3.
Grandparents, they've had kids, even if they are like mine where they have only had one, but because of this they think they know EVERYTHING!! They don't. Just because you did something or liked something as a child does not mean your child will like that too and if you are anything like me, you wish that they would just listen or even back off.
This is going to be more of a rant post than anything else so excuse me, but I hope it helps some of you, who have parents or parents-in-law like this, realise you are not alone, pretty much every parent, especially first time parents go through this... don't ask me how long it lasts, I have no clue, it's been 3 years so far for me and it's still happening.
First of all they try telling you that there's nothing to worry about, you will make fantastic parents... which yes I am sure you will/do, but how do they know this? There is always something to worry about when you are a parent so why have they just lied to you? When you are a first time parent, you worry about their night time breathing because they just randomly stop and start, or they don't feed as much as you expect, or they cry and you have tried everything, but you honestly don't know what is wrong... and obviously if the grandparents are around at this point they know exactly what's wrong, so take baby off you for a bit to give you a 'break' but it's not a break... the baby screams more because suddenly they don't have mummy or daddy there holding them and fussing them, or the grandparents are doing something that the baby 'must like because you did'.... again ITS NOT ME HE IS DIFFERENT!!! Yes it is lovely they are thinking about you and that the screaming must be hard to deal with but sometimes you honestly just want to comfort and cuddle your child no matter how much they scream at you, you know them best, you know what they like and don't like. Seriously don't feel bad for having a slight hatred towards the grandparents at this point, it is normal.
The thing they got me and still does, is they think they have a right to your child. Which yes, they are their grandparents, but you are their parent, you have the say on how you bring them up, what they can and cannot have, what they can and cannot get away with etc. But do they listen? No! Grandparents are constantly sticking their oar in and always wanting an input on how you should be doing things... again, you know your child best. Why do they think they have this right? Yes advice here and there and when you ask for it is appreciated but not constantly, that just makes you think you aren't doing it right... but there isn't a right and wrong way of doing things.... as long as you aren't beating your child or neglecting them I'm sure you are doing a fantastic job.
Another thing that gets me, is my dad is a massive and I mean maaaasssssive homophobe, and he has constantly pushed my son or me into thinking he should be doing sports and 'boy' things... my dad loves rugby, so we signed him up to a rugby group at the age of two... now yes this is great, it teaches him skills, respect and all the great things about rugby, but I was taking him every week, and my parents would come every other to watch.... this would distract my son, making him want to pay attention to them and not the coach or what he was meant to be doing or learning. Then my dad started speaking to the coach at the end of the sessions he would attend, and this was fine until he added him on Facebook and was getting more feedback from the sessions than I was, the one that took him along, paid for it and dealt with the fall out of all the tantrums that occurred if he didn't want to go one week but we were already there, or did want to go but was too ill.... why was he getting the feedback? I'm his mum, yes he is welcome to the feedback but he should have just been asking me not adding this guy on Facebook and harassing him... now you are probably wondering what this has to do with the homophobe comment at the beginning of this paragraph, honestly I am getting to that, I was just painting you a picture first... okay so now you see how much my dad wanted him into rugby, even now when he isn't going to the sessions he is constantly saying that he is going to be the next big England rugby player of his time.... he is 3!!! And okay but what if he doesn't like rugby? You've decided he will because you do Dad or even worse that I don't dislike it you think he will love it... now my partner and I are very much along the lines of we will support our son in whatever he may choose to do when he is older and whoever he wants to be, but my dad cannot stand the thought of him not being a lads lads, being gay, not liking sports or any of that. My son has just turned 3 and from him being little my partner and I have not stereotyped toys or tv programmes or anything into boys and girls, if he likes Barbies and wants a Barbie, then okay he can.. he has had a few already... we aren't going to say 'no that's for girls' ... it's a colourful toy that he wants, if he has been good why can't he have the toy he wants? But my dad doesn't see it like that, if he buys him a toy it's a boys toy, a male superhero or a car or toy tools... you get my point... my son saw me painting my nails the other day and said 'mummy you're beautiful, can I be beautiful too.' Meaning can I paint his nails, which I did, it made him happy and proud of himself at the time and even for a little while after. Now we went round his grandparents, Dad noticed and proceeded to tell my son that painting nails was for girls not boys and told him that he wasn't aloud to turn out gay because he would disown him.... he's 3!!!! He doesn't know what gay is... and even if he did turn out gay that wouldn't change who he was and shouldn't change the love you have for him... or so I would have thought... and my son doesn't understand the 'that's for girls' as we have never stereotyped so he didn't understand that and wondered why they decided to remove his pretty nail vanish... to him it was just pretty and colourful.
Now you give them a routine when they have them over, just a rough guide but you've set their bed time and things... do they stick to that... no... you set bedtime at 7 at the latest, they put them to bed at like 8.30... I didn't know 7 at the latest meant half 8... we must live in different worlds where 7 comes after 8 it's amazing. Then you start potty training or something and they don't stick to it because they don't want to risk them wetting themselves and peeing on their floor or something like that, which I understand but when you have grandchildren you cannot constantly live in a show home like my parents try to... how can you potty train your child when the grandparents have them for a weekend and put them back in nappies? You have t basically start all over again!! What the hell?!?!?
Now the constant thing you will probably hear, just like I have is ... 'we raised you and you turned out okay...' yeah if you count having no self confidence, anxiety and depression as being okay... love it.
Hope you have enjoyed my little rant.. now honestly my next post will be on what to expect when your child is one.
If you want to comment then please feel free, I will reply when I can. Feedback, comments and things are always welcomed.
Thank you for reading
Grandparents, they've had kids, even if they are like mine where they have only had one, but because of this they think they know EVERYTHING!! They don't. Just because you did something or liked something as a child does not mean your child will like that too and if you are anything like me, you wish that they would just listen or even back off.
This is going to be more of a rant post than anything else so excuse me, but I hope it helps some of you, who have parents or parents-in-law like this, realise you are not alone, pretty much every parent, especially first time parents go through this... don't ask me how long it lasts, I have no clue, it's been 3 years so far for me and it's still happening.
First of all they try telling you that there's nothing to worry about, you will make fantastic parents... which yes I am sure you will/do, but how do they know this? There is always something to worry about when you are a parent so why have they just lied to you? When you are a first time parent, you worry about their night time breathing because they just randomly stop and start, or they don't feed as much as you expect, or they cry and you have tried everything, but you honestly don't know what is wrong... and obviously if the grandparents are around at this point they know exactly what's wrong, so take baby off you for a bit to give you a 'break' but it's not a break... the baby screams more because suddenly they don't have mummy or daddy there holding them and fussing them, or the grandparents are doing something that the baby 'must like because you did'.... again ITS NOT ME HE IS DIFFERENT!!! Yes it is lovely they are thinking about you and that the screaming must be hard to deal with but sometimes you honestly just want to comfort and cuddle your child no matter how much they scream at you, you know them best, you know what they like and don't like. Seriously don't feel bad for having a slight hatred towards the grandparents at this point, it is normal.
The thing they got me and still does, is they think they have a right to your child. Which yes, they are their grandparents, but you are their parent, you have the say on how you bring them up, what they can and cannot have, what they can and cannot get away with etc. But do they listen? No! Grandparents are constantly sticking their oar in and always wanting an input on how you should be doing things... again, you know your child best. Why do they think they have this right? Yes advice here and there and when you ask for it is appreciated but not constantly, that just makes you think you aren't doing it right... but there isn't a right and wrong way of doing things.... as long as you aren't beating your child or neglecting them I'm sure you are doing a fantastic job.
Another thing that gets me, is my dad is a massive and I mean maaaasssssive homophobe, and he has constantly pushed my son or me into thinking he should be doing sports and 'boy' things... my dad loves rugby, so we signed him up to a rugby group at the age of two... now yes this is great, it teaches him skills, respect and all the great things about rugby, but I was taking him every week, and my parents would come every other to watch.... this would distract my son, making him want to pay attention to them and not the coach or what he was meant to be doing or learning. Then my dad started speaking to the coach at the end of the sessions he would attend, and this was fine until he added him on Facebook and was getting more feedback from the sessions than I was, the one that took him along, paid for it and dealt with the fall out of all the tantrums that occurred if he didn't want to go one week but we were already there, or did want to go but was too ill.... why was he getting the feedback? I'm his mum, yes he is welcome to the feedback but he should have just been asking me not adding this guy on Facebook and harassing him... now you are probably wondering what this has to do with the homophobe comment at the beginning of this paragraph, honestly I am getting to that, I was just painting you a picture first... okay so now you see how much my dad wanted him into rugby, even now when he isn't going to the sessions he is constantly saying that he is going to be the next big England rugby player of his time.... he is 3!!! And okay but what if he doesn't like rugby? You've decided he will because you do Dad or even worse that I don't dislike it you think he will love it... now my partner and I are very much along the lines of we will support our son in whatever he may choose to do when he is older and whoever he wants to be, but my dad cannot stand the thought of him not being a lads lads, being gay, not liking sports or any of that. My son has just turned 3 and from him being little my partner and I have not stereotyped toys or tv programmes or anything into boys and girls, if he likes Barbies and wants a Barbie, then okay he can.. he has had a few already... we aren't going to say 'no that's for girls' ... it's a colourful toy that he wants, if he has been good why can't he have the toy he wants? But my dad doesn't see it like that, if he buys him a toy it's a boys toy, a male superhero or a car or toy tools... you get my point... my son saw me painting my nails the other day and said 'mummy you're beautiful, can I be beautiful too.' Meaning can I paint his nails, which I did, it made him happy and proud of himself at the time and even for a little while after. Now we went round his grandparents, Dad noticed and proceeded to tell my son that painting nails was for girls not boys and told him that he wasn't aloud to turn out gay because he would disown him.... he's 3!!!! He doesn't know what gay is... and even if he did turn out gay that wouldn't change who he was and shouldn't change the love you have for him... or so I would have thought... and my son doesn't understand the 'that's for girls' as we have never stereotyped so he didn't understand that and wondered why they decided to remove his pretty nail vanish... to him it was just pretty and colourful.
Now you give them a routine when they have them over, just a rough guide but you've set their bed time and things... do they stick to that... no... you set bedtime at 7 at the latest, they put them to bed at like 8.30... I didn't know 7 at the latest meant half 8... we must live in different worlds where 7 comes after 8 it's amazing. Then you start potty training or something and they don't stick to it because they don't want to risk them wetting themselves and peeing on their floor or something like that, which I understand but when you have grandchildren you cannot constantly live in a show home like my parents try to... how can you potty train your child when the grandparents have them for a weekend and put them back in nappies? You have t basically start all over again!! What the hell?!?!?
Now the constant thing you will probably hear, just like I have is ... 'we raised you and you turned out okay...' yeah if you count having no self confidence, anxiety and depression as being okay... love it.
Hope you have enjoyed my little rant.. now honestly my next post will be on what to expect when your child is one.
If you want to comment then please feel free, I will reply when I can. Feedback, comments and things are always welcomed.
Thank you for reading
A very honest rant. Love you loads hun, you do an amazing job xxxx
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